What Your Drink Says About You

You can tell a lot about a person or their mood by the drink they order. Someone holding a giant blue AMF is typically not looking for a casual, intelligent discussion about how non-profits impact our economy. Conversely, sipping on a glass of Cabernet is not exactly an indication that they will be cutting a rug on the dance floor later in the evening. Although this is not an exact science, here’s a little guide to help you understand why you should probably keep your distance from the guy in the white Nautica Polo taking shots of Hpnotiq.

Margarita

Age: 28

Name: Shannon

Gender: Female

Location: 3rd cubicle on the left by day, anywhere with fake straw-hut awnings by night.

Occupation: Accounts Receivable

Favorite Band: Sheryl Crow (“Santa Monica Blvd” can be heard blaring from her desk radio every Friday at 4:45)

Favorite Hobbies: Amateur interior design, Ben and Jerry’s, scented candles, passive aggressive Post-Its on office fridge (“The tuna casserole is OFF-LIMITS”)

You are a late-twenties/early-thirties spinster who’s always ready to tie on a few with some of the gals (one gay friend) and get down to some girl-talk, before going home to your cat. Corporate, themed restaurants are all this lady-in-waiting needs, and contrary to popular belief, she isn’t afraid to bust out a two-for-one Pennysaver coupon at Acapulco.

When and Where I’ve Encountered This Person: Her name was Cynthia and she is still holding my microwave ransom from my old office (Cunt).  She also got a tattoo on her ass of a heart that was half on fire- and half frozen. And showed it to me more times than I was comfortable with. Eww.

Long Island Iced Tea

Age: 19 (ID says 23)

Name: Blake

Gender: Male

Location: TGI Fridays

Occupation: Best Buy Employee

Favorite Band: Thrice

Favorite Hobby: Paintball

The consumption of this drink can only mean a few things:

A) You only know of 3 mixed drinks. Jack and Coke tastes like shitty Coke and you heard that Appletinis are for pussies.

B) You want to get fucked up fast, but can’t stomach shots.

C) You have only had sex once, and it was with your couch, two water balloons, and an Abe Lincoln beard.

When and Where I’ve Encountered This Person: No offense to my friends who actually work at Best Buy. A good friend of mine actually fell into this category recently- I took her to the Viper Room, and after she told me that she wasn’t medically allowed to have alcohol, she ordered a Long Island Iced Tea. I mean- who does that?

Beringer White Zinfandel

Age: At least 60

Name: Barb

Gender: Female

Location: Florida

Occupation: Grandmother

Favorite Band: Amy Grant

Favorite Hobby: Daydreaming about new spare tire cover for the RV

You don’t get out much, which is totally appropriate. Let’s be honest, at this point it’s either birthdays or weddings when you have a chance to drink (at least with other people). Keeping it classy, you like to enjoy a glass of “wine”, which is in reality some sort of fermented sugar-water blend. This beverage can be classified somewhere in between Two-Buck Chuck and mixing boxed Chardonnay with 7-up.

When and Where I’ve Encountered This Person: I usually try to keep my distance from A. Old people who think Florida is some kind of Heaven-On-Earth     B. “Free spirited” Mature women who frequent Santa Barbara and wear linen pants on the beach. Barf.

MGD

Age: 44

Name: Rod

Gender: Male

Location: Folding Chair

Occupation: Propane and propane accessories salesman

Favorite Band: Skynard

Favorite Hobbies: Remote controlled cars, shopping for cross-bows on eBay.

You are a loyal man. You love your grandma, your country, and your beer. But not just any beer, the only Genuine beer. Coors Light or Bud Light is all you got? You would rather have a Cherry Coke. Yeah…that sounds good…tater-tots, ranch dressing and an ice-cold Cherry Coke.

When and Where I’ve Encountered This Person: This basically described the entire male population of where I grew up. The going “mobbing” in the dunes, hunting, off roading, dumbass group of “bros” who never grew up from high school- and still wear Wranglers. I didn’t even know they still made those until I went home.

Mojito

Age: 34

Name: Brett

Gender: Male

Location: Southern Orange County, California

Occupation: Computer Hardware Sales

Favorite Band: Jason Mraz

Favorite Hobbies: 3-day booze cruises to Mexico, watching the TiVo’ed “Wild on E!” Ibiza episode.

The Mojito says I want to look exotic, but I still want something that doesn’t upset my sensitive taste buds which are accustomed to kicking back Zimas while not in the company of others (you tell yourself they are “refreshing”). It also shows people that you are going to make sure that the bartender is earning every penny of his tip with the intense drink production. It’s likely that the Mojito-drinker enjoys the idea of international things, like a bit of travel and talk of politics, but would rather experience the more interesting things from in front of his flat screen television.

When and Where I’ve Encountered This Person: Usually when you are forced to be around people in a crowd, and then HAVE to listen to their conversation. Like at a Sandals resort, or stuck in an airport bar. More often then not- the people you have to talk to are usually the weird ones. It’s like Murphey’s Law or something. Either way- they don’t know you, you don’t know them, but you continue to talk to them for over an hour about random things, never knowing their name- and to look cool and interesting, they will order a Mojito. And proceed to tell you some story (which is most likely made up) about some international travels they went on, and how much better the mojito was there. Then you hear your flight being called, and walk away without even saying goodbye. What? It’s not like you are friends, you don’t even know their name.

Rum and Coke

Age: 32

Name: Brandon

Gender: Male

Location: New-ish Condo

Occupation: Target, Inc. Human Resources

Favorite Band: Incubus

Favorite Hobbies: Softball with the boys, Getting out.

You like drinks that taste like their soft drink counterparts. This might be because you got married in your second year of college and never got to experience life as a single guy. You did have that one time where you drank 7 Jack and Cokes and woke up in some guy’s garage three blocks away from your buddy’s house and have a tongue-in-cheek reputation as a party animal among your other married friends. Who knows, maybe you’ll even talk to a few girls while out with your single friends (no phone numbers, no kissing – maybe you take your wedding ring off, but stow it in your wallet for safe keeping).

When and Where I’ve Encountered This Person: This describes my brother- to the nose. I think he might have actually switched to Jack and Ginger Ale- but its pretty much the same thing.

Cosmopolitan

Age: 29

Name: Brandi

Gender: Female

Location: Brunch and Happy Hour

Occupation: Retail store manager

Favorite Band: Pussycat Dolls

Favorite Hobbies: Younger men, older men with money, and anything in between.

You like no-strings-attached sexual intercourse. Getting your second DUI meant that you are never the designated driver (awesome), and your 3-series Beamer rarely makes it out of the garage. You also have close to $20,000 in consumer debt and a walk-in closet of Juicy Couture velour sweatsuits to show for it.

When and Where I’ve Encountered This Person: Oh Hi, all the girls I went to high school with. Bitches.

Martini

Age: Mid 30’s

Name: Darren

Gender: Male

Location: Picked over real-estate markets across America.

Occupation: Loan Officer

Favorite Band: Whatever his crazy college buddy “Brock” listens to.

Favorite Hobbies: Pretending his brand new Nissan Murano impresses the ladies, Living vicariously through “Brock” and his adventures (unemployment).

You order Ketel One when you are with the guys, and Grey Goose when there are women around. You live for motivational self-improvement seminars on the weekends where you can network, while rarely using any language that is not a golden nugget of mortgage shop-talk (“…so I told him I could lock him in at a low rate on a 30 year fixed…”). You have recently developed a taste for sushi, but you still eat it with a fork.

When and Where I’ve Encountered This Person: I’ll paint the scene for you. I am on a business trip- staying at a Hyatt or something- and sitting at their super boring and corporate bar. Mr. Chubby McCreepy comes over and sits down- ordering a Martini like he’s fucking Humphrey God Damn Bogart- and just stares creepily at me. Gives me chills just thinking about it.

Whiskey & Soda

Age: 26

Name: Brett

Gender: Male

Location: College Town

Occupation: Grad Student

Favorite Band: You’ve never heard of them anyway.

Favorite Hobbies: Road Trips, Elitism.

You have hair on your chest and hair on your face. You are interested in investigating some of the bigger questions in life and so you went to graduate school, only to find out that your colleagues are just a bunch of lazy, pretentious kids from good families who never want to work in a corporate environment. You’ve graduated from getting high on a regular basis (you’ll still smoke at concerts and parties) and now drink Whiskey because it comes with the territory. You do get too drunk at times, but you never puke. You also use big words now and have the tendency to be slightly pedantic when talking to the fairer sex with hopes of impressing them.

When and Where I’ve Encountered This Person: Welcome to Silverlake.

Kamikaze

Age: 22

Name: Brittany

Gender: Female

Location: On the bar or on the ground.

Occupation: Restaurant Hostess

Favorite Band: JT

Favorite Hobby: Ladeeeeeez Night!

This drink says “All aboard the bullet-train to blackout-ville.” You are looking to forget whatever mistakes you hope to make tonight. Luckily, the fierce sounding drink name proves a worthy scapegoat when you are asked to justify your projectile vomiting the next morning.

When and Where I’ve Encountered This Person: I’ll admit it. This is me more often then not.

Bloody Mary

Age: 30 and up

Name: Rick

Gender: Male

Location: Suburbia

Occupation: Teacher

Favorite Band: Jeff Buckley

Favorite Hobby: Getting hangover cure breakfast

You were an animal last night. Dancing, singing, and discreetly perving out on 21 year-olds, you thought last night would never end. After taking a few shots at last call and stocking up on vodka for the after-party, you still got runner-up in the impromptu beer pong tourney that lasted until 4 am. Now you are: holding your head, praying that tomato juice can cure regret, watching Big 10 Football and trying to remember where you left your car and your cell phone.

When and Where I’ve Encountered This Person: It’s like when you go to breakfast with your parents and you see your teacher from High School out- nursing his hangover. It’s pretty awkward for the both of you.